Help me.
And so, as the sun rose...
over the island of Cheese...
casting long shadows through the sausage bushes...
illuminating the tops of the honey trees...
and warming the fields of smoked salmon...
I, Baron Munchausen...
who am renowned first and foremost for telling the truth...
the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
For while it has been my privilege--
- Tighter! Tighter! - Hold steady!
How can you become a great actress like me...
poor darling, if you get blown to pieces?
- Come on! - Native land.
Oh, yeah!
There to attempt the education...
of their provincial and narrow-minded...
and stupidly incredulous fellow countrymen...
we heaved anchor and set sail.
We heaved anchor and set sail!
The waves!
- Oh, bugger! - We heaved anchor.
- We are actors! - And set sail.
Where the devil are the stagehands?
- Dead! - They can't all have been killed!
Not killed, ducky. Suicide!
Nothing to do with your acting.
We heaved anchor--
But ill luck pursued me...
and I was blown towards the waiting jaws...
of a whale of such prodigious size and length...
that I could not, even with a telescope...
see the end of him.
What will become of the baron
Surely this time there is no escape
What will become of the baron
Surely this time there
Is no escape
I have learned from experience...
that a modicum of snuff...
can be most efficacious.
Hells bells...
and buckets of blood!
Where were the waves?
The waves! You've stabbed my vitals!
- You incompetent imbecile! - It wasn't me!
It was her!
It wasn't me! It was him! You big pintle!
We are supposed to be professionals!
And we're trying to stay alive!
- Sally! - All right.
Now stay in here or I shall lock you up.
- Where's my brother? - What?
You haven't got a brother.
Then you just tell me why it says, "Henry Salt and Son."
- I'm your daughter. - I shouldn't have taught you to read.
"And Son" is traditional. That's the way it's supposed to be.
No. The sultan's demands are still not sufficiently rational.
The only lasting peace is one based on reason and scientific principle.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Jackson.
The first act didn't go quite as we would have liked.
One or two little technical problems.
Oh, please don't apologize, Mr. Salt. I'm sure you're doing your best...
in very trying circumstances.
- Your attention. - Hmm? Ah, excuse me.
The officer who risked his life...
by single-handedly destroying six enemy cannon...
and rescuing ten of our men held captive by the Turk.
Yes, sir.
- The officer we've heard so much about. - I suppose so, sir.
Always taking risks far beyond the call of duty.
I only did my best, sir.
Have him executed at once.
- Yes, sir. - Come along.
This sort of behavior is demoralizing for ordinary soldiers and citizens...
who are trying to lead normal, simple, unexceptional lives.
Things are difficult as it is without emotional people rocking the boat.
Constantinople.
The court of the grand Turk.
What a surprise...
that a passing zephyr should waft me here.
Perhaps fate wishes me...
to teach the sultan a lesson or two.
His highness the sultan loved a good wine...
and could never resist a wager.
Characteristics that were to cost him dear.
Lies!
Those scoundrels! I won't put up with it!
It's intolerable!
Stop this travesty! Stop it!
It's an insult! An indignity!
I've never seen so much rubbish in all my life!
You don't know what you're talking about!
One day, after a sumptuous dinner--
- Is this supposed to happen? - The sultan bade me to accompany him..
to his private apartments.
Uh, please. No, don't. Please.
This blackguard's an impostor!
I am the Baron Munchausen, and I won't be made a fool of!
- Please! You cannot come up here! - No, no!
- We are presenting a performance! - You are presenting a mockery.
You present me as if I were ridiculous fiction. A joke!
I won't have it!
What the devil's going on?
Curtains!
Boo!
Get him off!
Old fool! You're ruining the show!
Quick! Jeremy, Bill, do something!
I must talk with my audience.
Ladies and gentlemen, I must--
I must apologize for this most dreadful occurrence.
I can assure you that--
- Hello. - Hello.
Beautiful ladies.
Hello.
Beautiful ladies.
You have really great taste, sir.
Otherwise, it's all quite wrong!
Listen, cocky. We've got a show to do.
Good lord! Berthold!
Who's Berthold?
How on earth? It's marvelous to see you!
How are you? Where've you been?
How are your legs?
Where are the others? Albrecht!
Adolphus! Gustavus!
I can't believe it! This is miraculous!
- I'm Bill. - He's Bill.
Is he still here? Will you get rid of him, for goodness sake!
- What is the matter? - I'm terribly sorry, sir.
- We were about to start the second act. - Who is this?
I've no idea. Some old lunatic.
He's Baron Munchausen.
Oh, I see.
The real Baron Munchausen.
Yes, indeed. And who, sir, may I ask are you?
A public servant.
I am responsible for, among other things...
the licensing of this theatre.
This, sir, is the Right Ordinary Horatio Jackson who just happens...
to be winning the war and saving the city.
Now please leave us!
- He's an ass. Only I can end this war. - Explain yourself.
I can end it because I began it.
I am the cause.
I'm afraid, sir, you have rather a weak grasp of reality.
Your reality, sir, is lies and balderdash...
and I'm delighted to say that I have no grasp of it whatsoever!
This man obviously needs a doctor.
A doctor?
We will continue with the show.
Thank you very much, Your Ordinaryness. Off!
Please be reasonable.
If we don't get on with it, he'll throw us to the Turks
I'll get on with it!
Show them how it should be!
My lords...
ladies and gentlemen...
Baron Munchausen, at your service.
Pruned any noses recently?
- Give us a song! - No. Please.
Most of you won't remember me or my adventures...
but I assure you...
they are true.
The truth is...
I am the cause of this siege.
- Don't be stupid! - What about the Turks then?
You're the cause of the border dispute, are you?
What? It's the sea routes we're fighting for!
No, it isn't!
That was last time!
You poor deluded fools!
If you'll only do me the courtesy...
of accepting the word of a gentleman...
I will reveal the true cause...
of this war.
After my--
Oh, dear.
After my return from Egypt...
I was most warmly welcomed...
by the grand Turk...
his highness, the sultan...
who knew of my reputation...
and held me in high esteem.
In fact, so delighted was he with my company...
that he offered me access to his harem.
- One day... - Go on!
the sultan brought me a bottle of his favorite Tokay.
What do you think of that, eh?
Not bad.
Not bad? My dear Munchausen...
it's impossible to find better.
Humbug, Your Majesty.
What do you wager that I won't procure...
within the hour, a bottle of Tokay far superior to this...
from the imperial cellar in Vienna...
a mere thousand odd miles away?
Accept my challenge.
If I don't succeed, you may cut off my head.
These are my stakes. What are yours?
I accept.
And if you succeed...
you may take as much treasure as the strongest man can carry.
Agreed. Give me pen and ink, and I will write to the empress immediately.
Berthold!
Coming!
Oh, blast! Sorry, chaps.
I've got to go.
Take this to Vienna, to the empress.
She will give you a bottle of wine. Bring it straight to me.
Right-o.
Perhaps you would care for a little light entertainment while you wait.
I have been composing a short opera.
- Would you like to hear a song or two? - No, thank you.
Oh, you'll love it. It's a comedy.
It's called, "The Torturer's Apprentice."
Here's the overture.
The curtain--
The curtain rises on a typical everyday torture chamber.
Yosrick, the young apprentice, sings of his joy in his job.
A torturer's apprentice went his merry way to work one day
I bend and stretch and ply my trade
Making people all afraid
But things look black Business is slack
There's no one on the rack but me
Act four is set in an abattoir.
I see a lot of slapstick.
We begin with the arrival of the eunuchs' chorus who sing...
"Cut Off in My Prime."
Cut off in my prime
Surrounded
By beautiful women all the time
A eunuch's life is hard
And nothing else
Excuse me a moment.
Oh, you won't want to miss this aria.
It reminds me of my school days in England.
Life is rather like a game
It's important that you win
And though it seem a terrible shame
If you lie and cheat
And sin
Lay up and win
The game
Steady.
Where the hell's Berthold?
- Don't know. - I though he was with you.
Well, if he's not here in three and a half minutes...
the sultan will cut off my head!
- And? - And?
Is that all?
I'm sorry, I don't find that funny. Do you?
This isn't a joke! It's a wager!
A wager!
He's asleep. I can hear him snoring.
- About 900 miles away. - Come on.
He's under a tree! Near Belgrade.
- What? - There's a bottle beside him.
- Hope he hasn't been at it. - So do I.
What's the wind speed, Gus?
Three knots.
I'm a modern man
These days I find you have to be
Awfully cruel to be kind
I'm a modern man
You will agree
It's either you or me
Well!
Time's nearly up, I think.
Ready.
Now!
- Not late, am I? - No.
Not late, thank you very much.
Thanks. I needed a trim.
- Much obliged. - From the empress.
Delicious!
You win.
Treasurer, allow my friend here to take from the treasury...
as much as the strongest man can carry.
Yes.
That's it.
Thanks, squire.
I must speak with the sultan.
- What is it? - Excellency! They've taken everything!
What?
Gustavus!
Stop them!
Bring them back!
Gustavus! Again!
Fire!
Don't shoot!
- Stand firm! - Take cover, my friends.
Regroup!
Let me in!
And so...
as you can see, the sultan is still after my head.
Hey, wait! Stop! Don't go!
Come back! There's more!
I haven't finished! Don't leave now!
We're about to make off with the sultan's treasure.
You can't just stop.
The name's Desmond, mate.
We're actors, not figments of your imagination! Now get a grip!
Oh, come back!
What the devil is the sultan playing at? It's Wednesday, isn't it?
I'm terribly sorry about the show. One or two minor setbacks here, sir.
This theatre's closed. I want you and your company out of the city.
Oh, no, sir! No! No, sir. Please!
Give us a say! Sir, look at these favorable endorsements from Europe.
"Mr. Salt's company holds a mirror up to nature." "Vienna Clarion."
"Great value for money." "Paris Echo."
"A good night out." "Glasgow Herald." Just give us one second.
Here, boy. Good boy. It's all right.
Here, boy!
Are you all right?
Am I dead?
No.
Blast!
Who are you really?
Baron Munchausen isn't real.
- He's only in stories. - Go away! I'm trying to die.
Why?
Because I'm tired of the world.
And the world is evidently tired of me.
But why? Why?
Because it's all logic and reason now.
Science. Progress.
Laws of hydraulics. Laws...
of social dynamics.
Laws of this, that...
and the other.
No place for three-legged cyclops...
in the South Seas.
No place...
for cucumber trees...
and oceans of wine.
No place for me.
- What happened in the story? - What?
In the sultan's palace. Did you escape?
- Were you killed? - I don't know.
It was all a long time ago. Who cares?
I do.
I'm very tired. Good-bye!
- Please tell me. - No.
- Go on. - Buzz off!
Tell me!
Please.
You really want to know, don't you?
Stop it!
We'll all be killed!
And then I'll never know the end of the story!
Wait! Where are you going? Come back!
Stop it!
Wait! Come back!
Take cover!
Wretched child!
Get that powder under cover!
Yes, sir!
No!
Stop it!
Get away!
Stop it!
Head down!
- No! - You'll get us both killed.
I thought you wanted to die.
Yes, but I'm old enough. Gentlemen!
Don't you think it would be a good idea to silence those enemy cannons?
- No, sir. - No?
It's Wednesday.
Oh, my-- Wednesday!
Oh, no!
The Turks are about to storm the walls.
You really are Baron Munchausen.
That's it. The end. It's all over.
Generations of theatrical expertise snuffed out...
in the twinkling of an eye.
Sally?
Get off!
Come here.
You cretinous, senile old fart!
Thanks to you, we're to be thrown to the Turks!
But he is Baron Munchausen!
The real one!
- You must believe me! - Hurry!
No, honestly! He is!
- Shut up! - But he is!
And he can save us!
Can't you?
He jumped onto a cannonball.
He really did! And he flew miles up into the sky!
- Above the elephants and soldiers-- - God! Stop lying!
I'm not lying! Am I?
As a matter of fact, you are.
But he did.
And those soldiers saw him too!
They'll tell you!
Oh, they're dead.
- But he did! - No, I didn't.
Now you're lying!
I never lie!
Stay here! What's got into you?
I didn't fly miles.
It was more like a mile and a half.
And I didn't precisely fly.
I merely held on to a mortar shell in the first instance...
and then a cannonball on the way back.
You maniac! You've done for us!
Actually, it doesn't matter whether you're thrown out or stay here.
The Turks are about to take the town.
Quickly! Bring those guns out!
I'm just coming into my prime!
I'm just on the cusp between Romeo and King Lear.
My public will kill me for dying at a time like this.
- Save us! - Yes.
Save us!
- Don't disappoint me! - Please, Baron. Please.
- You are a baron, aren't you? - You're our only hope!
You are my only hope.
Ladies! Please!
I swear that as long as I...
Heronomous Carl Frederick, Baron von Munchausen live and breathe...
you shall come to no harm.
You so remind me of Catherine the Great...
empress of all the Russia's...
whose hand in marriage I once had the honor to decline.
They all remind you?
Yes, why not?
Some bits here, some bits there. I have a plan!
I will set forth immediately...
find my extraordinary servants...
with their help, raze the siege and save the town.
Oh, brilliant. Oh, very good. Bravo!
- How? - Ladies, I'll require your assistance.
Of course.
- Anything! - Just tell us what to do.
Kindly be so good as to remove your knickers.
Yes, well done there.
Look at all that underwear.
Isn't it beautiful? It's like a dream come true.
It's the dawning of the age...
of lovely, intimate things.
But it's madness. He'll kill himself.
- Yeah, but well worth it, eh? - What are you doing?
Enough nattering. Keep pumping!
Hey. Better report this.
You're right.
We need a very simple plan. These are far too complicated.
- Simplicity is of the essence. - Sir.
Those actors have made an air balloon.
They're trying to escape.
Arrest them at once.
Thrown them out of the town.
We can't open the gates, sir.
Well, throw them over the walls, then.
Yes, sir.
We can't start escaping at a time like this.
What would future generations think of us?
Right. Follow me!
Just hold it! Don't let it go!
Hold it, Adolphus!
Bring it down.
Yes. Bring the ladder over here.
Take care!
Baron!
- Oi! Have you seen Sally? - No!
- Oh, thank you, my dear. - Stop!
- You're under arrest! - Let go!
Quickly!
Quickly! Let go!
Take aim!
Fire!
Ladies and gentlemen...
I shall shortly return with reinforcements.
Don't lose heart.
And for all those ladies...
to whom I am indebted for half a ton...
of frilly silk and lacey linen :
Don't catch cold! Au revoir.
Stay, Argus! I'll soon be back.
I will wait for you!
Come back soon!
He won't get far on hot air and fantasy.
Blast!
Hang on!
Keep--
- Thanks. - Now you've ruined everything!
I'll have to douse the fire to let you down.
- I'll never get off again! - I'm going with you.
I absolutely utterly refuse!
If we go down now, we'll land on the Turks.
We've got to find your servants...
and get back here quickly.
That is what I had in mind.
- Where are we going? - To the moon.
What? That'll take ages!
- No, it won't. - Of course it will.
- Why are we going there? - That's where I last saw Berthold.
Have you ever been to the moon?
- No. - Ah! Interesting place.
The king and queen are charming.
You know about their detachable heads...
don't you?
No.
Their heads go off for intellectual pursuits...
while their bodies engage in more...
bodily activities.
The trouble is their heads and bodies don't always see eye to eye.
You do believe me, don't you?
I'm doing my best.
Are you scared?
Certainly not!
- You? - Certainly not!
Grab the rope!
We're here!
You look different. Younger.
I always feel rejuvenated by a touch of adventure.
Heaven's sake. Don't you get any younger or I'll have to find a wet nurse.
Look!
You'll find that I'm one of the king's special favorites.
We shall receive a right royal welcome.
Now what?
I got you at last.
Your Majesty, what a great pleasure it is to see you again.
May I introduce my friend Sally?
Sally, King of the Moon. Well, his head at any rate.
I'm sorry, you must refer to me by my complete title...
King of Everything...
Re di Tutto, but you may call me "Ray."
The moon is a very insignificant part of my domain now.
There is so much, much more.
My old friend, you seem to be in some discomfort.
What ails you?
Nothing ails me. Can you not see that I am at one with the cosmos?
I tell you that, and all you can say is, "ah"?
What are you blind?
Baron, let me explain it to you.
Since you were last here, I, that is my head, that which is left of me...
where the brilliant and important parts are located...
is now ruling and governing the known universe.
And that which I don't know, I create.
I just created spring.
But seriously, without me, there would be nothing. Not even you.
I think, therefore you is.
Your old friend's a lunatic.
So it would seem.
Certainly fallen prey to delusions of grandeur.
Being in tune with every molecule in the universe...
requires a great deal of concentration.
That is why having you on the loose, Baron, does not help.
You see, your little stories are somewhat of a distraction to me.
You are like a mosquito in the Taj Mahal.
I must inform you, My Liege, without my adventures, you wouldn't be here.
Well, so I am now part of your adventures.
Well, we shall see about that, huh?
Now, Baron. Who created who?
I hope you'll be very comfortable. Ciao.
There goes my revolting body with the queen.
Oh, stop it! Oh, I'm tired!
- I'm exhausted! - Go away! Damn it. He can't hear me.
Please, oh! Oh, you stinking horrible man!
Oh, it's so embarrassing.
Please don't look. Maybe he will go away.
It is hard to believe my body and I were ever attached.
We are totally incompatible.
He is dangling from the food chain, and I am in the stars.
It is so unmetaphysical. No! No, go away!
I despise you! Let me go!
I'm back!
I got lips again, and I'm going to use them, baby!
It's me! I'm your elephant of joy!
- Give me bacio, baby! - Yes, but eat first, darling!
That's right. You've got to mangia before bacio!
You can't do that when you don't got no mouth!
Baron!
I'm back in business.
Oh, yeah.
You don't go nowhere.
- Baron. - Oh, most wondrous Majesty.
Hey, I know you.
You're the little guy tried to make off with my queen the last time.
- Huh? - Moi?
We have no more of that, piccolo Casanova.
What are you looking at?
There you go, lovebirds.
I'm sure you'll be very uncomfortable.
I am free again. Free to concentrate on higher things.
Why don't you go back and amuse yourself with this slime?
Oh, you missed me!
I'm blind! Wait! My kingdom for a handkerchief! Wait!
Let me go! I've got tides to regulate! Comets to direct!
I don't have time for flatulence and orgasms!
I hate that face you make me make. That--
Please. Please, no! I don't want any more bodily functions!
Oh, no. Please let me go!
- I don't have time for this! - Farewell, Baron.
One of the king's favorites?
This cage isn't real.
It's just part of the king's lunacy.
It seems solid enough to me.
I see we're not in a very helpful frame of mind.
How are we supposed to save the town from here?
The town is perfectly all right.
The peasant assault is over. Everyone is quite safe.
How do you know?
I just know.
What the devil?
All right. I'm coming.
My hand!
Come out. Come out of there.
- Come out of there! - Ow! Stop that!
- What did you do that for? - I thought you might be unfriendly.
Of course I'm unfriendly.
- You'd be unfriendly if I prodded you. - Who are you?
I can't remember.
- I've been here so long. - We'll be like that...
if we don't escape.
Why are you here?
Oh, I'm a very wicked criminal.
- What have you done? - I can't remember.
How do you know you're wicked?
Well, for one thing...
I'm in here.
And for another...
I've got these shackles on.
- Berthold! - Eh?
It's Berthold!
It's me! The baron!
I knew I'd find you on the moon.
I'm going to take you back to Earth to help us fight the sultan!
Get off me!
You're Berthold! My old servant.
Those leg irons are to slow you down. Stop you tearing off all over the place.
- You must be joking. - You always wore them. Remember?
- You're crackers! - I'm Baron Munchausen.
Hmm. That sounds nasty. Is it contagious?
We're wasting time!
Darling Baron!
Ariadne.
I'm sorry I couldn't speak with you before...
but Roger's so difficult.
Where exactly is Roger?
In bed with my body, of course.
Stop it!
If he discovers my head's with you--
Quickly!
Climb into my hair.
Why is she making those funny noises?
Her body is with the king...
and he is...
tickling her feet.
- Oh, no! - Berthold.
- Come on! - Let go of me!
- You're coming with us. - No chance.
- Why not? - I can't remember.
- Are you frightened? - That's it!
- Come on. Help me. - Stop it!
Quickly.
Climb aboard. Give me your hand.
- Hold tight. - I don't want to escape!
- Here we go! - Gosh! I can't hold on!
I love these! I tickle you till dawn, darling.
There we go!
There! I wipe everything away. There! Tickley! Tickley!
Darling, you love this! I know you do!
But you don't say anything! Why you don't say anything?
You are a pillow biter!
Hey! Tickley! Tickley!
Baron, I must get back to Roger before he notices I am headless!
I quite understand.
Darling. Take me with you.
- Back to Earth? - Oh, yes!
Without your body?
I thought you loved me for myself!
I did.
I mean, I do! Of course, I do.
- It's just-- - We have to go!
I think you're right, aren't you? It's impossible.
Oh! Take a lock of my hair.
Just a lock, cocky. Not the whole carpet.
I'll treasure it.
The king! I must go!
Au revoir, my dear Baron.
Yes! I'm coming, Roger!
Darling, I'm going to drive you to China!
Let it out!
Oh, my God! Where is your head?
No wonder you're so quiet.
I'm too rough. I knock it off? It's around here.
I find it. We play "head and seek."
Hold on! Oh, you play a trick?
Darling, come out!
You're not here!
Where you--
You are with the baron.
You are with that little man.
You told me size don't make a difference!
You puttana!
No head to hit!
I'll find you, Baron! And then I kill you!
Fetch me my radish club!
Faster!
I make a baron brochette! Sybil!
Come on! Faster!
But he can't! Berthold can hardly move!
Take his weights off.
- I have! - What?
- He's old! He can't run anymore. - Nonsense!
He's just out of practice.
Come on, Berthold!
Look for him!
Nowhere to run to! Nowhere to hide for you, Baron!
What are you looking at? Look down there!
Come on!
There he is, Sybil.
Down there.
I got you now, Baron!
Wait, Sybil!
Whoa!
Wait! There they are!
Are you hungry, my darling?
All right. You take the baron.
You take the bald one. And for you, my sweet...
the little girl because you're my favorite.
All right! Dinner is served!
- Teamwork, Sybil! - You go that way. I'll go this way.
- You're the last of your species! - Go on!
Work with me! Stay together!
No, girls! Don't split up on me now!
Mayday!
We're going down! Mayday!
Sybil! Don't desert me now!
I love you!
I'm free!
I'm free at last! The body is dead!
The body is dead! Long live the head! It's finished!
Bye, body!
I shall prove a head does not need a body to survive!
I am omnipotent!
Yes! Oh, no! I got an itch.
Well done, Sally!
Thanks!
How great to see you! What are you doing here?
- Get off me! - It's me!
Berthold, your old servant! Remember?
- Yes! We've been through all that. - Where are we?
On the Moon.
Oh, yeah. Same old baron!
- Can we go now? - Get weaving.
Hang on.
It's all coming back.
I've been stuck here for over 20 years!
Ever since you were last here on the moon!
You abandoned me here! You swine!
You toddled off with that old queen of tarts...
and left me to rot in that parrot cage, didn't you?
And now you come back, just because it suits you...
after wasting half my life...
and expect me to follow you to the ends of the Earth!
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